‘TIS THE SEASON TO WATCH “ROCKY”

Posted in Movies with tags , , on 12/01/2011 by Chris

Around this time back in 2006, MGM released (or re-released) a box set of all five Rocky movies, to piggy-back/cash in on the release of Rocky Balboa. I promptly picked it up and watched all five – precisely one each night, after which my first priority was hitting the theater. Every year since, I find myself re-watching at least a couple of the movies (Rocky II and V tend to get passed over the most), but when possible I try to watch all six between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

The way I see it, the Rocky series always had a strong connection to the holiday season. Why that is I’m not really sure, but for some reason every movie (except Rocky III) seems to take place at least partially over the holidays. In Rocky, his first date with Adrian is on Thanksgiving, and his fight with Apollo is on New Year’s Day. Rocky II‘s big fight is on Thanksgiving, and in Rocky IV he fights Ivan Drago in Russia on Christmas. As for Rocky V and Rocky Balboa, they both partially occur over the holidays as well. In addition, every movie with the exception of parts II and III were released to theaters in either November or December, and you can usually find them on TV in these months more than any other time of year.

Above all else, Rocky is the ultimate feel-good movie – the classic underdog story that virtually anyone can get behind. And like some of the best holiday movies, there’s an inherent level of corniness to it that’s somehow more acceptable and even a little infectious during this time of year. So crack a few eggs into a glass (or just crack open a beer) and get some Rocky going this year:

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RETURN OF HHMC, PART 3

Posted in Movies with tags , , , , , on 10/24/2011 by Chris

Ghostbusters II tends to take a lot more flack than it really deserves. It may pale in comparison to the first one, but let’s face it – any sequel would. One valid criticism is that too much of it is a retread of the original; after triumphantly saving New York, we find our heroes have been put out of business, now relegated to hosting birthday parties and cheap cable TV shows. People still accuse them of being frauds, which is sort of inexplicable considering all the shit that went down. Furthermore, we find that Bill Murray and Sigourney Weaver’s characters did not end up together as we were made to think. Everyone’s on an uphill climb once again, as if writers Dan Aykroyd & Harold Ramis had no other ideas for continuing the story. Regardless, GB II is a lot of fun, so much so that I can’t see why some fans have chosen to ignore it. Take the sticks out of your asses, people.  3.5/5

  • Slam one down every time poor Winston gets a line of dialogue.

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RETURN OF HHMC, PART 2

Posted in Movies with tags , , , , , , on 10/19/2011 by Chris

House on Haunted Hill (1999)

In 1999, movie producers Joel Silver and Robert Zemeckis started up Dark Castle Entertainment, a production company (initially) intended to remake the ’50s and ’60s horror films of William Castle. Their first Castle remake was House on Haunted Hill. It didn’t fare too well at the box office, at least in comparison to Jan de Bont’s The Haunting, 1999′s other haunted house flick, which beat it to theaters and subsequently left a rancid taste in people’s mouths. House on Haunted Hill, however, is the superior movie. It’s trash, for sure, but entertaining trash. Geoffrey Rush hams it up, channeling Vincent Price by way of James Woods, and he practically makes the movie. The rest of the cast is filled out by a young Taye Diggs and a pre-X-Men Famke Janssen, with Peter Gallagher and Ali Larter in the mix as well. Perhaps most randomly, SNL‘s Chris Kattan shows up as the neurotic young owner who inherited the “house”, and perhaps most amazingly, he’s not entirely annoying. The most pleasant surprise about this movie is that it actually manages to be pretty creepy on occasion. The best parts (aside from practically any scene with Rush) involve the ghosts of the sanitarium’s lunatic doctor and his staff fucking up people’s party plans, and some of the eerie visual effects take a cue from Jacob’s Ladder. However like so many other horror titles that build up a considerable amount of the viewer’s good will, it all turns to shit in the end, collapsing in spectacular fashion as the “evil” manifests itself as a giant CGI shit-cloud that looks created by fucking MS Paint. It’s not quite enough to ruin the good time that came before it, but it’s close.  3/5

  • Take a drink every time Geoffrey Rush and Famke Janssen hurl sarcastic insults at each other.

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THE RETURN OF THE HALLOWEEN HORROR MOVIE CHALLENGE

Posted in Movies with tags , , , , , , on 10/10/2011 by Chris

Oh shit, it’s that time of year again! You know the drill – 31 horror movies in 31 days. As usual there’s no specific theme…just whatever I can drudge up from On Demand, plus a few choice rentals and hopefully a couple of trips to the theater. (Unfortunately due to the cock smugglers over at Netflix, their vast and weird selection of horror movies available for streaming will not be in the pool this year.)

New to the challenge this year will be a mini drinking game to go along with each movie, because horror movies and drinking go together like Children of the Corn sequels and bargain bins.

Let the games begin!

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10 MOVIE VILLAINS THAT SCARED THE PISS OUTTA ME AS A KID

Posted in Movies with tags , , , , , , , , , on 10/01/2011 by Chris

(This isn't me)

While October will primarily be occupied with the return of my Halloween Horror Movie Challenge, I figured I’d lead in to it with something similar in tone. Without further ado, here’s 10 movie villains who scared the piss outta me as a kid. And by “kid”, I mean ages 5-26:

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THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE or: HOW I SPENT MY SUMMER VACATION

Posted in Movies with tags on 08/29/2011 by Chris

"Hey...wake up!"

I know I’m late to the party with this one, but how can a movie with such a fucked-up premise be so goddamn boring?

Here’s all 90 minutes of The Human Centipede broken down for you:

- American bimbos get lost in a storm in Germany

- Crazy-ass doctor lets them in; roofies ensue

- Drugged bimbos wake up in makeshift hospital in Doctor Whackjob’s basement, one tries to escape [insert 10-minute "tries to escape" scene] but no dice

- Bimbos surgically combined with a Japanese dude to form a human chain er, centipede.

- Cops show up looking for missing bimbos; centipede plan their escape

- Japanese dude takes Doc down, (slowly) leads bimbos out of basement

- Doc catches up with them, Japanese dude makes a long speech and kills himself instead of fighting back (wtf?)

- Cops return, lame shootout ensues, Doc and cops kill each other

- One bimbo dies from blood poisoning, while the other laments the fact that she’s now connected to two dead people

THE END

Jesus Fucking Christ; I couldn’t have been more bored if I listened to a book on tape version of The Twilight Saga narrated by Stephen Hawking.

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WANT TO GET YOUR FOOT IN HOLLYWOOD’S DOOR? THERE BETTER BE SOME GODDAMN ALIENS IN YOUR MOVIE

Posted in Movies with tags , , , , on 07/30/2011 by Chris

In fair Hollywood, where we lay our scene, a young screenwriter is pitching his script:

Screenwriter: Memorial Day Massacre! It’s a throwback to the glory days of ’80s slasher and splatter films, only the killer is a disgruntled Gulf War vet, who stalks and murders a group of hard-partying guidos in a shore house, for not properly observing the holiday. Only the twist is, the killer is -

Studio Head: …an ALIEN?!

Screenwriter: Um, no – actually the twist is that the killer is really -

Studio Head: Make him an alien and then we’ll talk. K bye.

This week Cowboys & Aliens is opening. Yes, the stupid shit we used to think up when we were nine years old is now being made into $100 million dollar movies. But what really chaps my ass is this Battleship movie coming out. Yes, the stupid shit we used to play when we were nine years old is now being made into $200 million dollar movies. Do you know what Battleship is about? An alien invasion. What fucking version of the game is that from? If nothing else, Battleship will be a good excuse for Kevin Costner to call Liam Neeson and welcome him into the $200 Million Waterlogged Bomb Club.

But is this trend gonna continue?

Monopoly: The Movie – These aliens are charging way too fucking much for rent!

Risk: The Movie – Shit we just lost another territory to those goddamn aliens!

Candyland – No wonder they know how to make palaces out of ice cream; they’re fuckin aliens!

And in other alien bullshit, let’s not forget this October’s The Thing, which was actually conceived as a prequel to John Carpenter’s 1982 version (remember those Norwegians?), but for all intents and purposes is now pretty much just a remake, right down to having the same title.

Let’s see, what other alien-based movies have come out recently or are on the way?

Skyline. Monsters. Battle: Los Angeles. I Am Number Four. Paul. Super 8. Transformers: Dark of the Moon. Men in Black 3. Prometheus. Area 51. Space Invaders. Saw VIII: Jigsaw in Space.

Okay, I might’ve made that last one up.

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