TwistedCritic

FIVE THINGS MORE EXCITING THAN THE NEW INCUBUS SONG:

1. Taking a piss.
2. Taking a shit.
3. Watching my dogs take a piss.
4. Watching my dogs take a shit.
5. Dr. Phil

(Brought to you by SoundCloud – the Special Ed version of Pop-Up Video)

Let’s face it – at this point, getting excited over a new Incubus single is like getting excited over a new Eddie Murphy movie. And even though it’s been over four years since their last mediocre album (and even though they announced a hiatus back in ’08), a “best-of” compilation in 2009 with several new songs kept up their profile, which makes this sudden return all the less spectacular.

It must be said, however, that while I consider S.C.I.E.N.C.E. my favorite album (like many do), I’ve never blamed Incubus for abandoning that funk/metal sound. I love that album dearly, but it’s about the second-most dated thing from the ’90s besides maybe The Net with Sandra Bullock. Still, there’s no excuse for the fact that they’ve largely repeated themselves anyway, ever since Make Yourself became the second coming of Christ among high school kids who took sharpies to their backpacks.

So what’s there to say about this new song? Well, don’t listen while operating heavy machinery. It’s actually not bad to begin with, as the verses work surprisingly well. Then came Boring Incubus Stock Chorus #3, and suddenly all was right with the world again. Would it kill Mike Eizenger to crank up his fucking guitar once in a while? I’m not an advocate of being heavy for heavy’s sake, but wouldn’t a more hard-hitting chorus been a nice counterpart for the laid-back verses?

Anyway, their new album comes out/”drops” July 12, depending on how douchey you wanna sound.

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A FEW THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM WATCHING THE VIDEO TO ONE OF THE WORST SONGS EVER

The other day, a friend posted a video on facebook. “I’ve gone ahead and found the worst song ever,” he said. “You can stop looking now.” I’m not always inclined to trust his judgment – after all, this is a guy who still thinks Major League II is not only a funny movie, but better than the original(!!). I also get suspicious of any song that’s hailed as being “the worst song ever”, yet isn’t performed by the Black Eyed Peas or that walking STD who calls herself Ke$ha.

But truth be told, “Friday”, by this tween tw@t named Rebecca Black, is entertaining in the same way watching Charlie Sheen head towards death is entertaining – minus the clever wordplay and legal bitches, of course. Here’s the video:

And here’s a few things I’ve taken away from it:

• I’m glad someone gave Selena Gomez’s autistic sister a shot at having a music career too.
• Because I initially confused this girl’s last name with the song title, I was surprised to find that it’s not “Black Friday” by Rebecca. Which is a pity, because I ended up getting a shitty pop song over a shitty video, when I was hoping for a shitty pop song over a video of people getting trampled to death at Wal Mart.
• It’s a good thing this girl puts her makeup on before going to bed at night so as to save time in the morning. Smart thinking.
• This girl made friends with 15-yr-olds who roll up in a $70,000 car. Again, smart thinking.
• Second verse, same as the first. Oh wait – they’re still in the same car, but the two boys have been replaced by two girls. Who the fuck owns this car anyway?
• Holy shit look at the braces on Rebecca’s friends. Rebecca couldn’t get more metal in her mouth if she blew the Terminator.
• I know a lot of songs can get by with a lazy bridge, but you’ve gotta do better than “Yesterday was Thursday, today it is Friday, we so excited, we so excited, we gonna have a ball today. Tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday comes afterwards.”
• I wonder if these kids’ parents know they’re partying with 30-yr-old rappers on the wee-kend wee-kend.
• I’m looking forward to her next single, “How Did I Get Preg-nant Preg-nant?”

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15 THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM CRAIGSLIST:

I’ve spent the better part of the past two years cruising the ‘musicians’ section of craigslist trying to find a good band to join, which is kinda like trying to find a wife in the red light district. I spent another few months prior to that trying to find a replacement drummer and second guitarist for my former band, and the variety of characters I’ve met as a result is astounding. While craigslist’s reputation for attracting America’s Finest is certainly well-known, you really don’t get the full picture until you’ve been in the trenches for a good bit of time. So here’s a few things I’ve learned along the way:

1. If you post an ad yourself, wherein you make it abundantly clear that you’re not looking to join a metal band, expect multiple replies from metal bands.
2. If you clearly specify that you’re only looking to join an established band, expect many replies from people thinking about putting a band together.
3. If you post an ad where you politely ask all interested musicians/bands to provide a link to a website, or some type of audio sample of their stuff when they reply, expect multiple replies without any of that.
4. If a guitarist replies to your band ad and you decide to audition him on good faith because he seems like a funny and decent guy, he will turn out to be an awful guitar player.
5. 75% of bands post ads looking for members without including the band name or any type of link or sample of their work. This means you must engage in an e-mail correspondence with them before finding out they blow ass.
6. THERE’S STILL PLENTY OF PEOPLE WHO POST LENGTHY ADS IN ALL CAPS, THAT WILL SURELY MAKE YOUR EYES TWITCH BEFORE YOU EVEN GET HALFWAY THROUGH THEIR CLUSTERFUCK OF SHITTY SHIT.
7. There’s plenty of people looking for rythm, rhithem, rithem, rhythem, or rhythim guitarists.
8. There’s even the occasional person looking for a “base” player.
9. Many people are influenced by the band “Led Zepplin”, and on rare occasions, “Deaf Leopard”.
10. Every so often there’s a post from someone looking to join a band, even though they don’t own an amp or in some cases, any instruments at all.
11. People will post only looking for serious, experienced and exceptional musicians, while also stating that they’re doing this “just for fun” and only looking to play maybe once per month.
12. At least one person out there is looking to form a Paramore tribute band.
13. At least one person out there is looking to form a Harry Potter tribute band.
14. There will always be someone willing to start an AC/DC tribute band.
15. There are still people looking to form nu-metal bands.

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FIVE THINGS I DON’T CARE ABOUT:

1. The new Radiohead album.
2. The new Radiohead album.
3. The new Radiohead album.
4. The new Radiohead album.
5. The new Radiohead album.

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I HADDA FEELING (WOO HOO) THAT HALFTIME SHOW WOULD BLOW

After remaining celibate for the past six years, my eyes and ears were thoroughly fucked once again by the Super Bowl halftime show. Seeing Paul McCartney follow Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson’s tit a mere one year later might’ve been a bit strange, but going from The Who to the Black Eyed Peas in just one year was like if you went to bed with Mila Kunis and woke up with John Madden.

And so after six years of musical acts that actually played musical instruments, I guess the NFL figured it was time to bring Auto-Tune, blinking lights, and retardation back to the halftime show. And since $lash would do anything for a few bucks, he showed up (wearing a top hat that looked like it could have been owned by Liberace) to provide some barely-audible guitar while Fergie dug a hole, dumped “Sweet Child O’ Mine”s mutilated corpse into it, and patted down the dirt.

Here’s where I’d normally provide the video, but the hell with that; if you missed it, consider it a blessing. Instead, here’s Fergie pissing herself:

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LeANN RIMES LOOKS LIKE THE GRINCH

…but instead of stealing Christmas, she’s stealing married guys instead. Wanna see who else looks like the Grinch this year?

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THE ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME IS GONNA GIVE ME AN ULCER

Rush. KISS. Iron Maiden. Yes. Deep Purple. The Cars. Chicago. The Doobie Brothers. Joe Cocker. Boston. The Moody Blues.

These are just some of the artists (all successful, all influential) who despite having long been eligible for induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, continue to get ignored year after year. To give you a rough idea, Rush and KISS have both been eligible for 11 years now, which means they’ve been ignored 11 times. But hey, go ahead and put LL Cool J in – clearly he deserves to be in there more than any of the above people do.

Because according to this article, he’s been nominated for 2011, along with a few other questionable choices:

Among the nominees this year are Alice Cooper, Beastie Boys, Bon Jovi, Chic, Neil Diamond, Donovan, Dr. John, J Geils Band, LL Cool J, Darlene Love, Donna Summer and Tom Waits.

A few thoughts:

• How disco artists like Donna Summer and Chic continue to get nominated (ABBA and The Bee Gees are already in) for something called the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame continues to puzzle me. I suppose the same could be said of the many hip hop, r&b and country artists that have been nominated over the years, but has there ever been a bigger enemy to rock music than fucking disco?
• Anyone who knows me knows that I think Bon Jovi is the fucking Antichrist. Sure they had a few fun songs in the ’80s, but so did every other shitty hair band at the time. Jon Bon Jovi must’ve sucked the devil’s dick, which is the only explanation for how that band has been around for so long.
• Alice Cooper deserves to be in, so no problem there. Oh wait, there is a problem – he’s been eligible for at least 15 years now – what was the fucking holdup?
• The Beastie Boys deserve their place in there too. But before KISS, Rush, etc.? Give me a break.
• LL Cool J – what more can be said? Loved him in Deep Blue Sea.

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SUFJAN STEVENS WANTS YOU TO PAY MORE FOR HIS NEW ALBUM

In a recent e-mail letter sent out to fans, Stevens’ label Asthmatic Kitty basically told them that since Amazon would likely be charging a very low price for his upcoming album, they should consider alternate (and more expensive) options when paying for it, because “the work our artists produce is worth more than the cost of a latte”. Seriously, read it here (and this is likely the only time I’ll ever willingly link to something on Pitchfork).

It’s amazing that with illegal downloads still the biggest problem for records labels, one would have the balls to step out and actually ask the people planning on paying to pay more.

But here’s a few thoughts I had after reading this:

1. My first thought when hearing this news was “This is coming from his label, not necessarily him, so let’s cut him a break for the time being”. But then two minutes of research led me to find that Asthmatic Kitty is the label he founded and helps run, so fuck him.
2. When you name your record label Asthmatic Kitty (was Cocksucker Records already taken?), please realize that nobody is going to take you seriously, especially when you try to make a serious statement like this.
3. Since he pretty much owns the label he’s on, he likely makes more money per album sold than most other artists who don’t have that convenience. But y’know, please give him more of it, so he can continue to fund documentaries about shit no one cares about.
4. A latte? Seriously, that’s your comparison? To borrow a page from Louis C.K., it’s times like this when I wish the word faggot wasn’t associated with gay people, and instead associated with anyone who makes shitty stuck-up statements like that.
5. Last but not least, thanks for telling a bunch of people that were likely to just download it from iTunes for $9.99 that they can now get it much cheaper from Amazon.

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I WONDER IF KIM KARDASHIAN CAN NAME MORE THAN FIVE VAN HALEN SONGS

Retro-looking band shirts never fail to attract the masses. Whether or not people are actual fans of the band are secondary to that oh-so-cool retro look, and the false sense of cred that comes from wearing one. It reminds me of the time I almost murdered somebody in public. The near-victim in question was a waitress in DC who, upon seeing the retro-looking Pink Floyd shirt my friend had on, exclaimed, “Heeey I saw a shirt like that in Banana Republic! I almost bought it because it looked retro, but then I realized I didn’t know what Pink Floyd is.” Well at least she stopped herself. Unbeknownst to her, it was all that prevented her from getting stabbed in the eye with my fork.

What kills me the most are the band “tour” shirts with a random year from the band’s “classic” period slapped on, worn by people who clearly hadn’t been around to experience it. I’m sure Zac Efron feels cool in his Van Halen “Live 1982″ shirt, despite the fact that he wouldn’t be born for another few years. Perhaps he heard the show from his dad’s nutsack?

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DEVIL’S ADVOCATE PART 1: WHY I LIKE VAN HAGAR BETTER THAN VAN HALEN

Despite the fact that the Van Halen brothers are all peachy with David Lee Roth again, have a highly successful reunion tour under their belts and Eddie swears up and down that a new album is in their future, I have a strange feeling we’ll have a new president in office before we get a new VH album on the shelves.  Therefore, the only thing we VH loyalists have left to do (besides stand here holding our dicks, of course) is to reminisce about the times Van Halen was, y’know, active.

Now it’s no secret that despite the band selling a FUCKTON of records with Sammy Hagar, most Van Halen fans probably prefer the original era, when David Lee Roth was fronting the band. Some fans even insist that the only true “Van Halen” was with DLR, and so the name “Van Hagar” was coined to separate the two. Perhaps it’s the fact that my first true exposure to VH was in ’96 (when Sammy was still technically in the band), but despite loving all of Van Halen’s stuff (yeah, even a couple of songs from Van Halen III), I’ve always gravitated more towards the Sammy era.

Here’s why:

1. Sammy was the better singer. Not the better frontman, mind you (who could be a better frontman than Diamond Dave?) but on a strictly technical level, Sammy was the better singer, with a much bigger vocal range.
2. The band was more versatile with Sammy. Musically and lyrically. As great as VH with David Lee Roth were, they were also a bit one-dimensional. A song like “Right Now”, for instance, wouldn’t have been possible in the DLR era (and if you don’t like “Right Now”, you can go right on and fuck yourself) and although they didn’t sound quite as good in comparison, the band was still able to cover a lot of the DLR-era songs with Sammy in concert. That could never happen the other way around, now that Dave’s back in the fold.
3. The band rocked harder with Sammy. “Get the fuck outta here”, one might say, and cite the numerous borderline-sappy power ballads that Van Hagar produced. But songs like “Poundcake”, “Judgment Day” and a lot of the stuff from the album Balance are heavier than anything they’ve done with David Lee Roth, while “Humans Being” (from the Twister soundtrack, and the song that really got me into the band) is a straight up headbanger.

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KATE GOSSELIN CONSIDERS MAKING A CHRISTMAS ALBUM; CHRISTIANS CONSIDER CONVERTING TO JUDAISM

Many have tried to ruin Christmas before, but this time it may actually happen. Indeed, Kate Gosselin is looking to succeed where Michael Bolton, Billy Idol and the Grinch have failed, by releasing her own album of Christmas songs, almost guaranteed to sink Christmas into the flaming pits of Hell.

But because she only has one shot at forever ruining the holiday (her 15 minutes of fame will likely be up before she can release a second album), there’s no room for error here. That’s why Kate plans on having her eight kids sing the songs with her. That’s a move likely to forever taint this wonderful holiday, and come December 25 they’ll be a lot more people going to the movies and grabbing some Chinese food.

So long, Christmas. You had a good run, but Hell hath no fury like a divorced octo-mom looking to cash in.

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ARE YOU SERIOUS, SHINEDOWN?

So Shinedown has a new song out, to be featured on the soundtrack to The Expendables. Presumably it’s the same song we heard briefly in the trailer, and presumably it’s not a brand-new tune, but rather a previously unreleased one. The name of this song is “Diamond Eyes“. If that title sounds familiar, it’s because it’s the same title as the Deftones’ latest album (which itself has a song entitled “Diamond Eyes”).

Now, obviously there’s many songs and albums out there that use the same words or phrases; that kind of thing is to be expected. But the title Diamond Eyes is WAY too unique and specific to be used twice, let alone within such a short time span (the Deftones album was released not even two months ago). Even if Deftones had released that album 15 years ago, people would still be thinking that maybe Shinedown, y’know, ripped it the fuck off.

I’m sure the guys in Shinedown are aware of the inconvenient timing, because the full track title is actually “Diamond Eyes (Boom-Lay Boom-Lay Boom)”. Now that’s a song title you’d never wanna have to say out loud, lest you run the risk of throwing up in your mouth a little bit.

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SMASHING PUMPKINS HIRE YET ANOTHER FEMALE BASS PLAYER aka GEE, WHAT A FUCKIN SURPRISE!

Well let’s face it – Billy Corgan hired her, because he pretty much is Smashing Pumpkins at this point (then again this was pretty much always the case anyway). In actuality the ‘Pumpkins no longer exist, but because Corgan’s lone solo album pretty much tanked back in 2005, putting all future projects under the Smashing Pumpkins umbrella made much more sense.

So anyway, a couple of months ago, Corgan announced plans to hold open auditions for a new bassist, because the current one got pregnant (as female bassists can be prone to do). In an announcement Corgan stated,

“As you can see from our past and present, age, race, or a person’s background is not an issue. Everyone is truly welcome to audition.”

He really should have said anyone with a vagina is welcome to audition, because the chances of a dude scoring the gig is about the same as one of the Jonas Brothers joining Cannibal Corpse. Of course that didn’t keep me from applying anyway (which amounted to simply sending an email with a few youtube links), even though I somehow knew the ol’ dick ‘n balls would hinder my chances.

So lo and behold, the Corgan has spoken, and he has chosen yet another…female bassist. And now Nicole Fiorentino  joins the ranks of Corgan’s previous female bassists D’arcy Wretzky, Melissa Auf der Maur, Paz Lenchantin and Ginger Pooley, even though she’s the only one with a regular sounding name. Maybe 30 years from now, all these chicks can sit around playing Bingo, and talk about what it was like to hold down the low end for a weird and egotistical bald guy.

But can you really blame him? Corgan is at least smart enough to know that any band with him up front needs someone to provide the sex appeal:

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CREED SHOULD START PAYING PEOPLE TO SEE THEIR CONCERTS

I just saw a Facebook ad, gingerly pointing out that tickets are on sale for upcoming Creed concerts in my area. Now, at the top right corner of every ad is a little ‘x’. Click this, and it lets you report an ad. “Why didn’t you like this ad?”, Facebook asks you, and there’s a drop-down menu with several reasons to choose from. Did I find this particular Creed ad misleading? Offensive? Uninteresting? How about irrelevant or repetitive? Thankfully you can choose “other” at the very bottom, and fill in a reason of your own. “Scott Stapp can’t sing worth shit”, I wrote, and Facebook graciously thanked me for my feedback.

Now it must be said that I like(d) Creed, and while Scott Stapp was always the band’s weakest link, I never found his voice offensively bad. However since reuniting last year, Stapp has apparently decided to wage war on everyone’s ears, as evidenced by this clip, taken from the band’s 2009 DVD [Please note that any audience member clapping or appearing the least bit enthused has clearly pounded enough beers beforehand to make their behavior possible]:

Christ almighty. You know, if Creed really were a Christian band, Stapp’s “singing” would be a bigger crime against Christianity than pedophilic priests. I mean, how can these guys still expect to move tickets after polluting store shelves with that abortion of a DVD?

Also, the only person likely capable of sweating more on stage would be Roman Polanski at the Kids’ Choice Awards.

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WHAT THE FUCK, BIEBER?

I was sorting through the mail the other day, when I got a bit of a scare. Bills? No. Subscription to Modern Drunkard magazine running out? Nay. Actually, it was the latest People Magazine. And on the cover? Justin Bieber, who is apparently in the running for Scariest Goddamn Smile:

I mean, what the fuck? This looks like one of those photoshop jobs, where they enlarge the mouth ever so slightly in order to, you know, freak you the fuck out. Perhaps somewhere, a People Magazine employee is laughing his/her balls/tits off. From the looks of it, Ol’ Bieber here seems like an early candidate for the Haley Joel Osment club, where everyone thinks you’re cute until you hit your late teens, and begin to resemble some sort of freakish manchild.

Then I thought to myself…what does he really remind me of? And then it hit me:

Tell me something, Bieber. You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

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AC/DC SURE HAVE A LOT OF SONG TITLES WITH THE WORD ROCK IN THEM

• It’s a Long Way to the Top (If You Wanna Rock ‘n’ Roll)
• Rock ‘n’ Roll Singer
• Rocker
• There’s Gonna Be Some Rockin’
• R.I.P. (Rock In Peace)
• Let There Be Rock
• Rock ‘n’ Roll Damnation
• Rock and Roll Ain’t Noise Pollution
• For Those About to Rock (We Salute You)
• That’s the Way I Wanna Rock ‘n’ Roll
• Rock Your Heart Out
• Hard as a Rock
• Whiskey on the Rocks
• Can’t Stop Rock ‘n’ Roll
• Rock ‘N Roll Train
• She Likes Rock ‘N Roll
• Rock ‘N Roll Dream
• Rocking All the Way

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GUITAR HERO: VAN HALEN LOOKS FUCKING RETARDED

Riding the short bus to video game outlets everywhere:

It’s tough being a Van Halen fan, because it’s basically the equivalent of  supporting douchery. If you look up Eddie Van Halen in the dictionary, for instance, it might read something like this:

Dutch-born American guitarist who revolutionized the electric guitar. [see also: douchebag]

The Van Halen M.O. is such that whenever a member quits or is fired, the band not only continues on without them, but tries their damndest to erase them from the band’s history. 2004′s The Best of Both Worlds compilation, for instance, came at a time when the band was about to embark on a reunion tour with Sammy Hagar, and David Lee Roth was still the Antichrist. As such, the package not only included three brand-new songs with Hagar, but several new photos with him as well, and not a single one with Roth. As an extra-special fuck you, the set concluded with three songs taken from the band’s 1993 live album with Hagar – and they’re all David Lee Roth-era songs. Nothing gives Diamond Dave the finger quite like rounding out a career-spanning Van Halen compilation with  Sammy singing his songs.

Enter 2007: Sammy’s once again out of the picture, and Roth’s back in, only it’s still not a full reunion; laying to rest any rumors that he wasn’t a total prick, Eddie fired founding member and bass player Michael Anthony, probably because he could no longer deal with the idea of a genuinely nice guy being in the band. And as an extra-extra-special fuck you, Eddie replaced Mikey…with his chubby 16 yr old son, Wolfgang. At least Wolfie’s a good bass player, right? No, actually he normally plays drums and guitar, and probably picked up a bass after finding out he was the new bass player for Van Halen. But, you know, whatever.

So 2009 brings us Guitar Hero: Van Halen, the latest musical skill button-pushing skill game to be devoted entirely to a particular band, and the latest example of EVHBAD (Eddie Van Halen Being A Douche). Because as anybody can gather from watching the above trailer, Wolfgang “Fatty Ding Dong” Van Halen is all over the game, with zero mention of Michael Anthony. Forget the fact that the Roth era ended well before Wolfie would even leave his dad’s nutsack; when you’re a guitar god like Eddie, you can also rewrite history.

The game also makes good on upholding Van Halen’s tradition of ignoring the past, as there’s not a single Hagar era song to be found in it. But for good measure, there’s also songs by Weezer, blink-182 and The Offspring thrown in. Wait, what?

Says Tim Riley, head of music licensing at Activision:

“At the end of the day, it became Wolfgang Van Halen, who is a serious Guitar Hero player — probably the best Guitar Hero player that I’ve ever seen including people at Activision…They knew that, the Van Halen brothers and David Lee Roth, so they were like, ‘Ask Wolfgang what bands he wants in.”

It’s a good thing they’re leaving the band’s 30+ year legacy in that kid’s pudgy hands. Because whenever I think of Van Halen, I think blink-182.

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10 THINGS MOST LIKELY BETTER THAN THE NEW DREAM THEATER ALBUM

1. When Dream And Day Unite
2. Images And Words
3. Awake
4. A Change Of Seasons EP
5. Falling Into Infinity
6. Scenes From A Memory
7. Six Degree Of Inner Turbulence
   
8. Train Of Thought
9. Octavarium
10. Swine Flu

And 10 reasons why…

1. Roadrunner Records – ever since DT signed with Roadrunner, the label has been trying to turn them from cult prog-metal icons to a full-blown mainstream metal act. They even got them to make music videos again! This is all fine, except for the fact that Systematic Chaos was a soulless, mechanical turd of an album, with hilariously awful “They better be tongue-in-cheek” lyrics concerning prophets, pharaohs, corpses, mysterious ancient whateverthefucks and you know, stuff that’s just fucking dark, man!
2. The Tracklist - With song names such as “A Nightmare To Remember”, “A Rite Of Passage” and “The Shattered Fortress”, it looks like we can expect more of the same pompous bullshit. For fuck’s sake, the closing song is a 19-minute monstrosity called – - “The Count Of Tuscany”, which is redeemable only if singer James LaBrie performs it wearing a cape.
3. The new promo shots – They’re just so goddamn brOOtal! There’s a few floating around, all hilariously bad, but here’s one of them. I can imagine the photographer – “Show me dark guys! Now give me angry! No, angrier!! OOOH YEAH! GIVE IT GIVE IT YEAH! Fuck that’s so METAL! Horns guys HORNZ!! Ok stop it you’re scaring me!”
4. Paul Northfield – Sonically speaking I don’t usually get too critical, but Systmatic Chaos is the loudest-sounding album DT has put out to date. All of the instruments are turned way the fuck up, leaving no dynamics between them, resulting in an album that sounds very mechanical and sterile all the way through. I blame Northfield, who engineered and mixed the thing, and also recorded Rush’s Vapor Trails, an album infamous for its garbage sound quality. Good thing DT brought him back for the new album!
5. John Petrucci is too fucking jacked. – He needs to lay off the protein shakes before he accidentally snaps the neck off of his guitar.
6. Rich Wilson’s track-by-track analysis – Leave it to the guy who wrote DT’s official biography to masturbate write a review for the new album, in which he jizzes over analyzes every song. Now I know I can expect some of the things I hate the most about DT…growling vocals (hell yes!)…’typically wacky’ Jordan Rudess melodies (sweet!)…blast beats! (wait, what?)
7. Mike Portnoy and a microphone should be mutually exclusive. Mike Portnoy is an amazing drummer, and I don’t think there are many who actively dispute this. But somebody, anybody, keep him the fuck away from a microphone. Which brings me to…
8. Dream Theater really need a producer. You can make great albums on your own (and DT certainly have), but for fuck’s sake, they really need someone to start calling them on their bullshit. “Hey, wouldn’t it just be the tits if this song was 16 minutes long instead of a measly 12?” No guys, it wouldn’t.
9. Mid-life crisis. Why splurge on a motorcycle when you can put blast beats and tough gang vocals in your songs?
10. It’s fun to hate on Dream Theater. Make no mistake, I’ll be picking this up the day it comes out. Being a DT fan is like being in an abusive relationship. But why physically abuse your fans, when you can put blast beats and tough gang vocals in your songs?