Monologue Jokes

Here’s an ongoing assortment of (mostly) monologue-style jokes, in case you’re wondering what 75% of my writing time has been devoted to lately (sorry, rest of blog!).

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2013

China will launch its first unmanned lunar module, complete with a radio-controlled rover that will be able to transmit pictures and dig into the moon’s surface. China said it hopes to launch the module by the end of this year, or whenever the kids finish assembling it.

Snooki’s baby boy Lorenzo celebrated his first birthday yesterday, and also ended up taking his first steps. Unfortunately, that was only after the cop asked him to walk in a straight line.

McDonald’s announced it will be adding chicken wings to its menu. For lack of a better term.

A new device is being tested, that will be able to warn its users of a heart attack hours before it happens. Of course we already have devices that do that, such as the Domino’s pizza tracker.

Authorities in Bangkok are cracking down on street vendors, for selling cheap balloons filled with laughing gas to tourists. Authorities said if tourists want a cheap laugh, just say the name “Bangkok.”

A homeless man in Oregon held up a bank, but demanded only $1. The bank teller was still hesitant to give him that dollar, because he’d probably just spend it on booze.

New research suggests birds can figure out the speed limit on certain stretches of road. The research was done by a guy who probably never gets laid.

Rapper “Juicy J” is holding a contest on Twitter, where he’ll award a $50,000 scholarship to “the best chick that can twerk.” And right now, that future winner is googling the word “scholarship.”

The producer of the accident-ridden Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark has announced plans for The Marvel Experience, a $30 million stage show that will incorporate 3D movies and a 4D motion ride. Best of all, audiences will finally get the chance to see dozens of other great Marvel characters get carried away on stretchers.

The NYC cab driver who hopped a curb and plowed into a pedestrian says that driving a cab is “too stressful.” And now, thanks to him, so is standing on the sidewalk.

After being sentenced to 35 years in prison for leaking classified documents, former Army soldier Bradley Manning has revealed his desire to be a woman, and now wishes to be called “Chelsea.” “Done and done,” said his future cellmate.

President Obama plans to unveil a new system for rating colleges. The system will reportedly rate colleges based on tuition, average amount of student loan debt, and ironically, how much they can get done in four years.

Pregnant actress Jaime King held a Star Wars-themed baby shower this weekend. Everyone had fun except her husband, who was chained to her the entire time.

A drone belonging to a wedding photographer accidentally crashed into the groom during the ceremony. However the groom had already exchanged his vows, so technically it was just one drone hitting another.

A cable outage in Connecticut last night led to a wave of distressed 911 calls from people who were missing the new episode of Breaking Bad. However 911 dispatchers didn’t answer the calls, because Breaking Bad was on.

A member of rock band The Calling reported being “abducted, robbed and assaulted” following the group’s reunion show. Or as it’s called in the business, “signing a record contract.”

Adding to her list of troubles, Paula Deen was the victim of an alleged extortion attempt this week. Paula said that while extortion is wrong, what she hates the most is blackmail.

Three chickens and a pig were found sacrificed on a Jersey Shore beach. Which means if the sacrifice was a success, one resourceful guido without health insurance has been cured of gonorrhea.

China may begin fining people who miss their mark when peeing in public toilets. As a result, many have followed Justin Bieber’s lead and switched to mop buckets.

A study by the London School of Economics found that most people are happiest at ages 23 and 69. The study polled a bunch of people in their twenties, and Mick Jagger.

Jersey Shore‘s JWoww had her Twitter account hacked this week. Her followers sensed something was up when JWoww suddenly knew how to spell.

An airplane had to make an emergency landing after a passenger tried to open one of the emergency exits. This all happened after the announcement of the in-flight movie, The Smurfs 2.

One Direction’s Harry Styles reportedly vomited onstage during a concert. Because if it’s one thing the food he ate didn’t like, it was one direction.

Meanwhile, the Jonas Brothers had to cancel the first concert of their latest tour, due to inclement weather. And by “inclement weather,” I mean nobody buying tickets.

Police in Oklahoma arrested a Peeping Tom, who was hiding in a septic tank beneath a women’s bathroom. He might’ve gone unnoticed, had he not checked in on Foursquare.

Carly Rae Jepsen threw out the ceremonial first pitch at a Tampa Bay Rays game, in what is being called one of the worst pitches ever. Except in Hollywood, where the worst pitch ever is still Schindler’s List 2.

The governor of Maine declared that Obama “hates white people.” And just to make sure Obama heard him, he said it while talking to a friend on his cellphone.

A 41-year-old woman with multiple sclerosis ran 366 marathons in 365 days, including a double marathon on the last day. Not to be outdone, I cleaned my fishtank.

Early this morning, a deranged stalker burst into actor Hugh Jackman’s gym, and threw a razor full of her pubic hair at him. Jackman wasn’t hit, but it was a close shave.

In an interview with CBS, Mike Tyson claimed that an ex-girlfriend cooked and ate one of his pet pigeons. That’s gross, but not “dating Mike Tyson” gross.

One of the commercials during this year’s Super Bowl was an ad for Hyundai, in which the factory workers abandon their posts as they sing the theme song from Rocky. Finally, an explanation as to why my Sonata breaks down on an annual basis.

Boston police arrested a seemingly intoxicated man, who was found taking pictures of Secretary of State John Kerry’s house. The man was quoted the next day saying, “That was definitely the lamest thing I ever did after blacking out.”

Microsoft researchers have developed a “mobility prediction system,” that can reportedly predict where a person will be at any time, even years in the future. You hear that, Carmen Sandiego??

A man in Tennessee was distracted by a woman skinny-dipping in his pool, while the woman’s husband snuck inside and robbed his house. The victim said he couldn’t believe he fell for that, but they can come back anytime.

A paparazzi photographer called Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ daughter Suri a “little brat.” Suri was confused, because she’s used to people calling her dad that.

Top Chef judge Gail Simmons is pregnant. So look for her new spin-off series, Top-heavy Chef.

Heavy metal legends Motörhead are releasing a new line of signature headphones. Because if anyone should have a hand in designing high-end headphones, it’s a group of metal musicians with four decades’ worth of hearing loss.

A temporary flaw in Samsung’s new line of Smart TVs allowed hackers to tap into the TV’s built-in cameras and spy on the viewer. This is embarrassing for Samsung, and even more embarrassing for anyone who caught From Justin to Kelly at 3 a.m. last night.

Lady Gaga’s longtime stylist Nicola Formichetti quit, citing the fact that Gaga “changes 12 times a day.” Then he added, “You try working a deli slicer for that long.”

After debuting just last week, Ke$ha’s line of penis-shaped jewelry has already sold out. But that’s what happens when the competition isn’t very stiff.

A small, dead shark was found on the floor of an NYC subway car yesterday. In a related story, production of Sharknado 2 temporarily shut down after its entire prop department went missing.

A Subway restaurant in Ohio is temporarily closed, after a photo surfaced online of an employee placing his genitals on the bread dough. The employee was fired, but is much happier at Dunkin’ Donuts, who hired him to put the holes in the donuts.

A Tennessee judge has ordered a couple to change their newborn baby’s name from “Messiah.” The judge suggested something just a little more subtle, like “Kanye.”

A rodeo clown dressed like Obama was fired from the Missouri State Fair. He then sped off in the clown car by himself, leaving the other 49 clowns without a ride home.

Justin Bieber broke a record for the Make-A-Wish Foundation, after granting his 200th wish. However Bieber’s record will likely stay at 200, since wish #201 is for him to stop pissing in kitchen mop buckets.

One of the new rides at the Seaside Heights, NJ boardwalk is called “Super Storm.” Right next to it is the other new ride, called “Too Soon.

An intoxicated man in Florida attempted to urinate out of the back window of a moving police car, but instead missed and showered the car’s interior with urine. The man is now behind bars, while the police car is now a New York City cab.

Florida plans on using aerial drones to seek out ponds where mosquitoes may be breeding. They got the idea after watching the SyFy Channel original movie, Drones vs. Mosquitoes.

A zoo in China has been busted, for trying to pass off a large Tibetan mastiff dog as an African lion. The Chinese said, “Hey it was worth a try; we’ve been passing dogs off as chicken for years.”

Frito-lay are debuting new Pepsi-flavored Cheetos in Japan. This makes Frito-lay the latest people to have to say, “We don’t have Coke – is Pepsi okay?”

WWE star Darren Young has made history by becoming the first pro wrestler to come out as gay. It’s also the first surprise in wrestling that wasn’t written weeks in advance.

Star Wars creator George Lucas married his longtime girlfriend this weekend. What’s amazing is that she believed him when he said he wouldn’t change a thing about her.

Best of 2012

A New Jersey high school teacher has been accused of having sex with one of her students. The victim couldn’t be reached for comment, because he still hasn’t finished high-fiving all of his friends.

Facebook bought Instagram for $1 billion dollars. And after checking the couch cushions for loose change, MySpace and Photobucket split a 7/11 burrito.

Happy Birthday to Google, which turns 14 this week. It may only be 14, but my search history made it a man a long time ago.

Kathy Bates is guest starring on the next episode of Two and a Half Men. Which means for one episode, they can call it Three and a Half Men.

While visiting the St. Louis Zoo yesterday, presidential candidate Newt Gingrich was bitten by a penguin. Fortunately, they both waddled away without serious injury.

Newt Gingrich is dropping out of the presidential race. His future looks cloudy, with a chance of meatballs.

The creator of Red Bull died this week, proving true the company’s slogan, “Red Bull gives you wings.”

AOL is giving all of its employees a $1,000 bonus this year. Both employees were very happy.

A school in Utah was not allowed to name its team The Cougars, because it was deemed offensive to middle-aged women. Now they’re forced to go back to their old name, The Mellencamps.

Four new colognes are coming out inspired by the characters in The Avengers. Though if I wanted to smell like The Hulk, I’d just buy Khloe Kardashian’s perfume.

Movie director David O. Russell won’t face charges for allegedly groping his transgender niece. Looks like it was just a case of he said/she said.

Happy Birthday to Stephen Hawking, who is turning 70. He might be getting old, but his voice doesn’t sound a day over 8-bit.

Best of 2011

Russell Brand files for divorce from Katy Perry. As if things weren’t awkward enough, she left her cupcake bra at his place.

“I think we should play Rock, Paper – um….umm….” – Rick Perry in 1st grade.

MGM has bought the rights to make a Where’s Waldo? movie. Of course, they can go the whole nine yards and release it in only one theater.

Kourtney Kardashian took her son to the Central Park Zoo yesterday. Though according to witnesses, they were just there to feed Aunt Khloe.

Paul McCartney’s wedding took place this weekend, as he tied the knot with longtime girlfriend Nancy Shevell. The news was tough for ex-wife Heather Mills, who spent the weekend bar hopping.

Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots is releasing a Christmas album. Weiland said he wanted to take a “traditional” approach with the album – you know, jazz horns, piano, and copious amounts of heroin.

A suspected drunk driver crashed into singer LeAnn Rimes’ house earlier today. Billy Joel would like everyone to know that it wasn’t him this time.

In stores this month is a new holiday collection from She & Him. Just to be clear, She & Him is the name of a musical group – not Chaz Bono’s clothing line.

Oprah plans on teaching a course at the school she opened in South Africa. Students who finish with an A will win a cruise, a car and a Chanel bag.

The bass player of rock band Coheed & Cambria was arrested yesterday for robbing a pharmacy, just hours before a concert. Bass players everywhere are praising him for finally figuring out a way to get noticed.

In light of the news that he fathered a child with his housekeeper, Arnold Schwarzenegger is temporarily pulling out of all movie projects. Arnold said it was a tough decision, because he hates pulling out.

An 84 year old woman from New Jersey graduated college this week. Though the way the job market is these days, I’m sure she’s kicking herself for waiting so long.

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have named one of their newborn twins “Moroccan Cannon.” Which means that somewhere in Morocco, there’s an aspiring wrestler who has to change his name.

Disney’s documentary African Cats opens this weekend. Apparently it’s a documentary about lions and cheetahs, and not the forefathers of jazz music.

In a recent interview, actor Dennis Quaid says his “biggest mistake” was his addiction to cocaine. That’s not as bad as his parents, whose biggest mistake was Randy Quaid.

Actor Tony Danza has filed for divorce from his wife of 24 years. I guess that’s what happens when you have to play “Who’s The Boss?” for that long.

Justin Bieber fans were shocked and upset when he lost the “Best New Artist” Grammy to a jazz musician. They took to Twitter to voice their frustration, then googled the word “musician.”

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