TwistedCritic

Here’s an ongoing assortment of (mostly) monologue-style jokes, many of which are taken from my twitter.

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2012

A new study shows that our nation’s alcohol sales have risen 2.7%. And by “study,” I mean Baltimore Ravens kicker Billy Cundiff’s liquor store receipts.

A school in Utah was not allowed to name its team The Cougars, because it was deemed offensive to middle-aged women. Now they’re stuck with their new name, The Mellencamps.

Personally I don’t see the big deal in this British woman having two vaginas. Lady Antebellum has three.

Four new colognes inspired by The Avengers are coming out. Though if I wanted to smell like The Hulk, I’d just buy Khloe Kardashian’s perfume.

Director David O. Russell won’t face charges for allegedly groping his transgender niece. Looks like it was just a case of he said/she said.

Happy Birthday to Stephen Hawking, who is turning 70. I swear, his voice doesn’t sound a day over 8-bit.

Justin Bieber’s balls just dropped. #happynewyear

2011

Russell Brand files for divorce from Katy Perry. The awkward part is she left her cupcake bra at his place.

New pill that cures hangovers approved by the FDA. Unfortunately, it won’t erase the giant penis your buddies drew on your face.

Herman Cain has dropped out of the presidential race. If you were a supporter, take your mistress out for a slice of pizza in his honor.

“I think we should play Rock, Paper – um….umm….” – Rick Perry in 1st grade.

MGM has bought the rights to make a Where’s Waldo? movie. Of course, they can go the whole nine yards and release it in only one theater.

83-yr-old man in Iowa charged as male prostitute. Of course, the only thing lower than his prices were his balls.

I’m fairly certain there’s a Grateful Dead song that was longer than Kim Kardashian’s marriage.

Apparently there’s a band called Jedi Mind Tricks. These are not the musicians I was looking for.

Kourtney Kardashian took her son to the Central Park Zoo yesterday. Though according to witnesses, they were just there to feed Aunt Khloe.

Paul McCartney’s wedding took place this weekend, as he tied the knot with longtime girlfriend Nancy Shevell. Though in the wake of his divorce settlement with Heather Mills, an open bar just wasn’t in the budget.

Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots is releasing a Christmas album. Weiland said he wanted to take a “traditional” approach with the album; you know, jazz horns, piano, heroin and forgetting the lyrics.

In a controversial new interview, Johnny Depp says that doing photo shoots feels “like you’re being raped somehow.” Funny, that’s how everyone felt watching The Tourist.

A suspected drunk driver crashed into singer LeAnn Rimes’ house earlier today. Billy Joel would like everyone to know that it wasn’t him this time.

Today Apple unveiled its new iPhone, while New Jersey governor Chris Christie announced he will not be running for president. As it turns out, an Apple a day keeps the Christie away.

A man in Italy gouged his own eyes out with his bare hands in church. Witnesses say he did it after accidentally walking into the elderly nuns’ dressing room.

Hank Williams Jr. has been fired from Monday Night Football, for likening Obama to Hitler. Ironically, he just helped Obama create one more job.

Apparently the movie Point Break is getting remade. Though in the new one, the Ex-President bank robbers will be dressed like Clinton, Bush and Obama.

Kim Kardashian’s wedding is tomorrow, but E! won’t be airing its footage of the event until October. Which should be around the time of her divorce.

Coldplay will be releasing their new album on October 25th. Then they’ll dress up as an exciting band for Halloween.

Also coming October 25th -  a new holiday collection by She & Him. Just to be clear, She & Him is the name of a musical group – not Chaz Bono’s clothing line.

Oprah plans on teaching a course at the school she opened in South Africa. Students who finish with an ‘A’ will win a cruise, a car and a Chanel bag.

The bass player of rock band Coheed & Cambria was arrested yesterday for robbing a pharmacy, just hours before his band was to play at a nearby arena. Bass players everywhere are praising him for finally figuring out a way to get noticed.

The Hangover Part II was the #1 movie this weekend. The nation’s top critics simply reviewed it on Twitter, as any differences from the first one can be listed in under 140 characters.

In light of his recent scandal, Arnold Schwarzenegger is temporarily pulling out of all movie projects. Which would make it the first time he ever pulled out of anything.

The cast of Jersey Shore have landed in Italy to begin filming their fourth season. Text “90909″ to donate to the Red Cross and help that poor country out.

An 84 year old woman from New Jersey graduated college this week. Though the way the job market is these days, I’m sure she’s kicking herself for waiting so long.

Keanu Reeves is in talks to star in a live-action remake of Akira. Akira fans are in talks to kill themselves.

Today is Mother’s Day, so Happy Mother’s Day Mom! And to the MTV Teen Moms, Happy Day You Wish You Had Just Cuddled Instead.

The house used in the movie Home Alone is on sale for $2.4 million. It comes complete with two swinging paint cans, and Daniel Stern’s career.

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have named one of their newborn twins “Moroccan Cannon.” Which means that somewhere there’s an aspiring pro wrestler who has to change his name.

Last night President Obama announced that Osama bin Laden has been killed. Bin Laden was pissed to find that the 72 virgins he expected had already been deflowered by Nate Dogg.

Disney is releasing their documentary African Cats today. Apparently it’s a documentary about lions and cheetahs, and not the forefathers of jazz music.

Opening this weekend is Fast Five…or what The Rock calls his break between six-hour bicep curls.

In a new interview, actor Dennis Quaid says the “biggest mistake” he made was his addiction to cocaine. Jaws 3 would like a word with him.

Tonight’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy will be a musical. Really, doctors spontaneously breaking out in song is just the 9th most unrealistic thing about that show.

Actor Tony Danza has filed for divorce from his wife of 24 years. I guess that’s what happens when you have to play “Who’s The Boss?” for that long.

Justin Bieber fans were shocked and upset when he lost the “Best New Artist” Grammy to a jazz musician. They took to Twitter to voice their frustration, then googled the word “musician.”