Archive for the Music Category

I DID A PODCAST

Posted in Music with tags on 07/25/2013 by Chris

New Constellation

I joined my buddy Josh for a lengthy discussion about – who else? – Toad the Wet Sprocket, including a review of their first new album in 16 years, which is currently being supported by a rather impressive Kickstarter campaign. You can hear it over at Josh’s blog, so get to it, asshole.

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THE NEW ROCKY MUSICAL LOOKS TERRIBLE

Posted in Movies, Music with tags , , , on 05/11/2013 by Chris

Well it seems like Rocky V will no longer be the black sheep of the Rocky franchise.

Back in 2006, I joked about writing Predator: The Musical, which would (naturally) be about an elite special forces team with a penchant for breaking out into song and dance, squaring off against a deadly, super-suave alien, and feature show-stopping numbers like “Sexual Tyrannosaurus,” “Stick Around,” and the rousing finale, “Go! Go! (Get to the Choppah!).”

Now, a short sneak-peek video has surfaced for the new Rocky musical (apparently called Rocky Broadway, according to the website at least), and it looks almost as ridiculous as my idea, the difference being it’s from people who are supposed to know what they’re doing:

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THE TOP 20 SIX FEET UNDER LYRICS

Posted in Music with tags , on 04/20/2013 by Chris

Today is 4/20, and while I don’t partake myself, Six Feet Under’s Chris Barnes has smoked so much weed, the last mosquito to bite him went on to polish off a 7/11 burrito and a bag of Funyuns. SFU’s particular concoction of death metal and groovy stoner rock is usually abetted by Barnes’ unique brand of creatively violent lyricism, made possible no doubt by the copious amounts of chronic in his system. The man can turn a phrase.

Though some tough choices were made, I’ve narrowed it down to my 20 personal favorites:

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THE TOP 10 CHEESIEST LYRICS FROM THE NEW NIGHTWISH ALBUM

Posted in Music with tags , on 02/07/2012 by Chris

Disclaimer: I like me some Nightwish, at least when they’re assisted by a full orchestra, as they’ve been on their past few albums. But let’s be real for a moment: they’re also cheesy as fuck. Main songwriter Tuomas Holopainen is very much of the Wagner/Andrew Lloyd Webber/Jim Steinman mold, which means if you were to cut him open, he’d likely bleed Cheez Whiz. And so while I wasn’t necessarily paying much attention to the lyrical content while listening to their newest album Imaginaerum, occasionally a particular line would jump out in such fashion as to make me nearly chuckle out loud. After consulting my trusty liner notes (a benefit of still buying physical copies, people!) here are the album’s top 10 cheesiest lines:

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A FEW WORDS ON VAN HALEN’S TRIUMPHANT(?) RETURN…

Posted in Music with tags , on 01/10/2012 by Chris

I’m a huge Van Halen fan. I don’t talk about them often, because let’s face it – aside from a borderline-disastrous reunion with Sammy Hagar in ’04, and a tour with Roth in ’07-’08, the band has been less active than the surviving guy from Milli Vanilli’s manager. In short, it’s been tough being a Van Halen fan these past 14 years (and I actually liked parts of Van Halen 3). I’ve already shared my thoughts on who I feel is the group’s best singer in the long run, as well as my opinion of Eddie Van Halen in the wake of shit-canning original bassist Michael Anthony in favor of his teenaged son.

But after over a decade of being jerked around, I’ll take what I can get; at this point, I’d still have been excited even if they brought Gary Cherone back. So if it means getting new music from these guys, I’ll deal with the awkward site of a 20-yr-old kid jamming with a bunch of dudes in their 50s, knowing that at least Chickenfoot is putting money in Michael Anthony’s pocket (he deserves it).

My biggest fear with a full-on Roth reunion (new album ‘n all), is that the band would regress back to the more one-dimensional, party rock vibe that they did nearly exclusively during the Roth era. I love all periods of the band, but they didn’t exactly grow that much with Roth at the helm – who always compensated for his so-so vocal range and limited lyrical abilities with his over-the-top persona and wild stage antics. I feared that, though Roth’s vocals remain in surprisingly good shape, anything “new” the band does with him would seem trite and lightweight compared to the leaps and bounds the band achieved with Hagar (though they only did four albums with him, no two sound identical). It should be noted, however, that a relatively modern, forward-thinking Van Halen with Roth did exist to some extent, in the two songs they cut for 1996′s Best Of Volume I release. (“Can’t Get This Stuff No More” was largely forgettable, but “Me Wise Magic” was a winner.) Despite Roth back at the mic, musically the songs still sounded like a natural progression from their previous album Balance.

And so after being shrouded in secrecy, Van Halen 4.0′s new album, A Different Kind of Truth, is suddenly right around the corner (Feb. 7), but so far, the two songs I’ve heard have done nothing to absolve my fears:

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BANDS THAT SHOULD REALLY CALL IT QUITS AT THIS POINT

Posted in Music with tags , , , , on 05/22/2011 by Chris

Def Leppard - I dig me some Def Lep, but Rick Allen’s right arm should be awfully tired by now. Their last listenable album was 11 years ago, and since then they’ve all but given up on trying to stay relevant. I think deep down the guys in Def Leppard were hoping to transcend their ’80s hair-band reputation like Bon Jovi managed to do, but now they just embrace it. Perhaps a little too much; judging by his look, bassist Rick Savage seems to legitimately think it’s still 1987. Someone should speak with him before he goes and catches AIDS or something.

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FIVE THINGS MORE EXCITING THAN THE NEW INCUBUS SONG:

Posted in Music with tags on 04/05/2011 by Chris
  1. Taking a piss.
  2. Taking a shit.
  3. Watching my dogs take a piss.
  4. Watching my dogs take a shit.
  5. Dr. Phil

 

(Brought to you by SoundCloud – the Special Ed version of Pop-Up Video)

Let’s face it – at this point, getting excited over a new Incubus single is like getting excited over a new Eddie Murphy movie. And even though it’s been over four years since their last mediocre album (and even though they announced a hiatus back in ’08), a “best-of” compilation in 2009 with several new songs kept up their profile, which makes this sudden return all the less spectacular.

It must be said, however, that while I consider S.C.I.E.N.C.E. my favorite album (like many do), I’ve never blamed Incubus for abandoning that funk/metal sound. I love that album dearly, but it’s about the second-most dated thing from the ’90s besides maybe The Net with Sandra Bullock. Still, there’s no excuse for the fact that they’ve largely repeated themselves anyway, ever since Make Yourself became the second coming of Christ among high school kids who took sharpies to their backpacks.

So what’s there to say about this new song? Well, don’t listen while operating heavy machinery. It’s actually not bad to begin with, as the verses work surprisingly well. Then came Boring Incubus Stock Chorus #3, and suddenly all was right with the world again. Would it kill Mike Eizenger to crank up his fucking guitar once in a while? I’m not an advocate of being heavy for heavy’s sake, but wouldn’t a more hard-hitting chorus been a nice counterpart for the laid-back verses?

Anyway, their new album comes out/”drops” July 12, depending on how douchey you wanna sound.

A FEW THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM WATCHING THE VIDEO TO ONE OF THE WORST SONGS EVER

Posted in Music with tags on 03/15/2011 by Chris

The other day, a friend posted a video on facebook. “I’ve gone ahead and found the worst song ever,” he said. “You can stop looking now.” I’m not always inclined to trust his judgment – after all, this is a guy who still thinks Major League II is not only a funny movie, but better than the original(!!). I also get suspicious of any song that’s hailed as being “the worst song ever”, yet isn’t performed by the Black Eyed Peas or that walking STD who calls herself Ke$ha.

But truth be told, “Friday”, by this tween tw@t named Rebecca Black, is entertaining in the same way watching Charlie Sheen head towards death is entertaining – minus the clever wordplay and legal bitches, of course. Here’s the video:

And here’s a few things I’ve taken away from it:

  • I’m glad someone gave Selena Gomez’s autistic sister a shot at having a music career too.
  • Because I initially confused this girl’s last name with the song title, I was surprised to find that it’s not “Black Friday” by Rebecca. Which is a pity, because I ended up getting a shitty pop song over a shitty video, when I was hoping for a shitty pop song over a video of people getting trampled to death at Wal Mart.
  • It’s a good thing this girl puts her makeup on before going to bed at night so as to save time in the morning. Smart thinking.
  • This girl made friends with 15-yr-olds who roll up in a $70,000 car. Again, smart thinking.
  • Second verse, same as the first. Oh wait – they’re still in the same car, but the two boys have been replaced by two girls. Who the fuck owns this car anyway?
  • Holy shit look at the braces on Rebecca’s friends. Rebecca couldn’t get more metal in her mouth if she blew the Terminator.
  • I know a lot of songs can get by with a lazy bridge, but you’ve gotta do better than “Yesterday was Thursday, today it is Friday, we so excited, we so excited, we gonna have a ball today. Tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday comes afterwards.”
  • I wonder if these kids’ parents know they’re partying with 30-yr-old rappers on the wee-kend wee-kend.
  • I’m looking forward to her next single, “How Did I Get Preg-nant Preg-nant?”

15 THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM CRAIGSLIST

Posted in Music with tags , on 03/01/2011 by Chris

I’ve spent the better part of the past two years cruising the ‘musicians’ section of craigslist trying to find a good band to join, which is kinda like trying to find a wife in the red light district. I spent another few months prior to that trying to find a replacement drummer and second guitarist for my former band, and the variety of characters I’ve met as a result is astounding. While craigslist’s reputation for attracting America’s Finest is certainly well-known, you really don’t get the full picture until you’ve been in the trenches for a good bit of time. So here’s a few things I’ve learned along the way:

  1. If you post an ad yourself, wherein you make it abundantly clear that you’re not looking to join a metal band, expect multiple replies from metal bands.
  2. If you clearly specify that you’re only looking to join an established band, expect many replies from people thinking about putting a band together.
  3. If you post an ad where you politely ask all interested musicians/bands to provide a link to a website, or some type of audio sample of their stuff when they reply, expect multiple replies without any of that.
  4. If a guitarist replies to your band ad without any samples of his playing and you decide to audition him on good faith because he seems like a funny and decent guy, he will turn out to be an awful guitar player.
  5. 75% of bands post ads looking for members without including the band name or any type of link or sample of their work. This means you must engage in an e-mail correspondence with them before finding out they blow ass.
  6. THERE’S STILL PLENTY OF PEOPLE WHO POST LENGTHY ADS IN ALL CAPS, THAT WILL SURELY MAKE YOUR EYES TWITCH BEFORE YOU EVEN GET HALFWAY THROUGH THEIR CLUSTERFUCK OF SHITTY SHIT.
  7. There’s plenty of people looking for rythm, rhithem, rithem, rhythem, or rhythim guitarists.
  8. There’s even the occasional person looking for a “base” player.
  9. Many people are influenced by the band “Led Zepplin”, and on rare occasions, “Deaf Leopard”.
  10. Every so often there’s a post from someone looking to join a band, even though they don’t own an amp or in some cases, any instruments at all.
  11. People will post only looking for serious, experienced and exceptional musicians, while also stating that they’re doing this “just for fun” and only looking to play maybe once per month.
  12. At least one person out there is looking to form a Paramore tribute band.
  13. At least one person out there is looking to form a Harry Potter tribute band.
  14. There will always be someone willing to start an AC/DC tribute band.
  15. There are still people looking to form nu-metal bands.

FIVE THINGS I DON’T CARE ABOUT:

Posted in Music with tags on 02/19/2011 by Chris
    1. The new Radiohead album.
    2. The new Radiohead album.
    3. The new Radiohead album.
    4. The new Radiohead album.
    5. The new Radiohead album.

      Abstract representation of a new Radiohead album listening party.

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