10 MOVIE VILLAINS THAT SCARED THE PISS OUTTA ME AS A KID

(This isn't me)

While October will primarily be occupied with the return of my Halloween Horror Movie Challenge, I figured I’d lead in to it with something similar in tone. Without further ado, here’s 10 movie villains who scared the piss outta me as a kid. And by “kid”, I mean ages 5-26:

1. The T-1000  from Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Robert Patrick has really started to show his age this past decade, but in T2 he was a boyish looking 32-yr-old, and despite that, thoroughly pants-shitting scary. Maybe it was the way he presumably wanted to mutilate young John Connor like he did his step-parents, but beyond that I sure as fuck wouldn’t want this guy bothering me while I’m in a video arcade.

Tactical error: He could make himself look like anybody, which makes you wonder why he didn’t just turn himself into Arnold and get to the damn kid that way. Oh well.

2. Vigo the Carpathian from Ghostbusters II

Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis must’ve been smoking some strong shit to think they could make a fucking¬†painting the central villain of the sequel to one of the biggest blockbusters of all time, but just like this really long sentence, it somehow works. Vigo might’ve been chump change compared to the all-powerful Gozer from the first one, but he still freaked me the fuck out as a kid, and his booming voice (supplied by The Exorcist‘s Max von Sydow) didn’t help either.

Tactical error: Futily trying to possess baby Oscar the whole time, when he could possess Ray or Janosz at the drop of a hat. I guess he didn’t wanna be from the Upper Vest Side.

3. Reverend Kane from Poltergeist II: The Other Side

Aside from simply being a subpar sequel, Poltergeist II also caught some flak for putting a human face on the supernatural force that haunts Craig T. Nelson & family, but I don’t see any problem when that face is as scary as Julian Beck’s. Despite being the main villain, Beck only gets face time for a few minutes, but they’re enough to make you shit your pants twice over. He’s as creepy as they come, and the fact that he died during the film’s production makes things even more eerie.

Tactical error: Dying during production. Poltergeist III sucked without him, though it probably would’ve sucked either way.

4. The Penguin from Batman Returns

Batman Returns disturbed the shit out of my seven-year-old self back in 1992, and I relished every minute of it. Too bad some of my peers’ parents didn’t: McDonald’s, for one, had to cancel their Batman Returns promotion, when complaints started rolling in that the movie was too violent and had too much sexual innuendo for little Happy Mealers. Pussies. I guess this backlash is at least partly responsible for Tim Burton’s exit from the director’s chair, and we all paid the price for it when Joel Schumacher stepped in. Still, Batman Returns is outrageously twisted, and The Penguin (played by a nearly unrecognizable Danny DeVito) is the stuff of nightmares.

Tactical error: Reaching for the wrong umbrella.

5. Creepy-Ass Twin Girls from The Shining

Nothing like turning a corner on your Big Wheel and finding these two little twats waiting for you. “Come and play with us, Danny!” Little Danny’s horrified look is totally warranted; kooties is no laughing matter, especially from two girls at once.

Tactical error: Not moving out of the way when their dad came at them with an axe.

6. Pennywise the Clown from Stephen King’s It

I’m not one of those people who are normally scared of clowns, which is why I think some of those people would have a coronary if they had to sit through all 3+ hours of It. Tim Curry plays a monster who takes on the form of a clown, who lives deep in the sewers of a small town, emerging only to feast on little kids. The jury remains out on whether he’s scarier here, or as a transvestite alien in Rocky Horror.

Tactical error: Being allergic to silver. How unoriginal.

7. Samara from The Ring

Who wants this soggy bitch crawling out of your TV when you’re trying to watch the game? I sure don’t, unless she’s bringing me a cold beer.

Tactical error: Reliance on VHS in a DVD era.

8. The Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

Dateline’s Chris Hansen would have a field day with this kooky fuck, who, after his giant nose fails to sniff out the minors he’s after, decides to lure them out with promises of candy and ice cream. Who knew the original kid snatcher van was a horse-drawn carriage?

Tactical error: Letting Dick van Dyke and two little brats get the best of him.

9. The Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Shredder was a bumbling idiot in the TMNT cartoon, and he looked like a bobble head doll with his oversized helmet in The Secret of the Ooze. But in the first Turtles movie he was bad-ass – sitting around throwing knives into TV screens, slapping Splinter around, and even threatening to stab Leonardo in the throat! But really all he wanted was some sweet early ’90s electronics that fell off the back of the truck.

Tactical error: Falling…into…the truck.

Judge Doom from Who Framed Roger Rabbit

Just look at him. What a creepy looking fucker.

Tactical error: Melting in a pool of toxic green shit.

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