WANT TO GET YOUR FOOT IN HOLLYWOOD’S DOOR? THERE BETTER BE SOME GODDAMN ALIENS IN YOUR MOVIE
In fair Hollywood, where we lay our scene, a young screenwriter is pitching his script:
Screenwriter: Memorial Day Massacre! It’s a throwback to the glory days of ’80s slasher and splatter films, only the killer is a disgruntled Gulf War vet, who stalks and murders a group of hard-partying guidos in a shore house, for not properly observing the holiday. Only the twist is, the killer is -
Studio Head: …an ALIEN?!
Screenwriter: Um, no – actually the twist is that the killer is really -
Studio Head: Make him an alien and then we’ll talk. K bye.
This week Cowboys & Aliens is opening. Yes, the stupid shit we used to think up when we were nine years old is now being made into $100 million dollar movies. But what really chaps my ass is this Battleship movie coming out. Yes, the stupid shit we used to play when we were nine years old is now being made into $200 million dollar movies. Do you know what Battleship is about? An alien invasion. What fucking version of the game is that from? If nothing else, Battleship will be a good excuse for Kevin Costner to call Liam Neeson and welcome him into the $200 Million Waterlogged Bomb Club.
But is this trend gonna continue?
Monopoly: The Movie – These aliens are charging way too fucking much for rent!
Risk: The Movie – Shit we just lost another territory to those goddamn aliens!
Candyland – No wonder they know how to make palaces out of ice cream; they’re fuckin aliens!
And in other alien bullshit, let’s not forget this October’s The Thing, which was actually conceived as a prequel to John Carpenter’s 1982 version (remember those Norwegians?), but for all intents and purposes is now pretty much just a remake, right down to having the same title.
Let’s see, what other alien-based movies have come out recently or are on the way?
Skyline. Monsters. Battle: Los Angeles. I Am Number Four. Paul. Super 8. Transformers: Dark of the Moon. Men in Black 3. Prometheus. Area 51. Space Invaders. Saw VIII: Jigsaw in Space.
Okay, I might’ve made that last one up.